Some of the most instructive moments in my career did not come from dramatic failures or breakthrough successes. They came from watching capable, driven leaders unintentionally limit their own influence. Many of them shared a similar pattern: they lived almost entirely inside their own world. Not aggressively or arrogantly, simply by force of habit.
They learned quickly. They recovered quickly. They made sense of complexity at speed. And, because that was their experience, they assumed it was everyone’s. When someone on their team struggled to ramp up at the same pace, their confusion was genuine. They would say, “I don’t understand why they can’t get this,” as if the gap required no further explanation.
This is where frustration usually took over. These leaders believed the path was obvious, so when others moved differently, it felt like resistance or lack of effort. Over time, that frustration became their primary management tool. People began working harder at avoiding these leaders’ irritation than at doing their best work.
Watching this pattern repeat impressed something on me. Leadership is about how people move through the world differently, and the work is learning how they make sense of it so you can move together. That requires empathy.
Empathy, in the AIIR® Leadership Framework, is defined as the capacity to understand and relate to another’s emotional state and to see things from their perspective. It sounds soft when stated plainly. In practice, it is one of the most demanding forms of leadership work.
Why Leading with Empathy can Feel so Hard
Empathy asks you to set aside your own interpretation long enough to consider someone else’s. It requires loosening your grip on assumptions that feel factual simply because they are familiar. Leaders who default to speed often underestimate how challenging this actually is.
Daniel Goleman, best known for his work on emotional intelligence, once noted that leaders without empathy often mistake compliance for commitment. I’ve seen that play out many times. People may do what you ask, but they won’t bring their full thinking, creativity, or judgment if they feel unseen. What you receive is effort, not loyalty.
The leaders I mentioned earlier genuinely believed they were being clear, fair, and reasonable. And in many ways, they were. What they lacked was an awareness that not everyone shares their pace, their wiring, or their way of organizing the world. Without that awareness, their clarity created more pressure than alignment.
The Cost of a Single Perspective
When a leader cannot imagine how something might look from someone else’s vantage point, the team pays the price first. Confusion goes underground. People stop asking questions because questions are interpreted as incompetence. Hard news arrives too late, as early signals no longer feel safe to deliver. Eventually, performance issues surface, and the leader concludes they need to push harder. The cycle repeats.
That is the most concerning part. Teams learn to brace around a leader’s impatience, and it becomes a cultural norm. Bracing is not a path to better results. It is a survival strategy.
What Empathy Actually Changes
When leaders practice empathy consistently, several things shift:
- People speak up sooner.
- They explain their reasoning more fully.
- They take feedback less personally.
- They feel respected even when the message is hard.
Empathy reinforces accountability by ensuring that expectations have somewhere to land. It gives difficult conversations a chance to do their actual job: clarify, align, and move the work forward.
How to Practice Empathy
Here is a practice you can use before conversations that matter. Take sixty seconds to ask yourself:
- What might this person be worried about that I can’t see immediately?
- How might my message touch something sensitive for them: autonomy, belonging, competence?
- What part of their point of view might be reasonable, even if I disagree?
By asking yourself these questions, you are widening the aperture so the conversation does not begin inside a narrow frame, which is what empathy makes possible. Your tone shifts. Your listening deepens. You interrupt less.
People sense that you are not operating solely from your own vantage point. The feeling of being understood (even briefly) changes how they engage with you.
Some leaders worry that empathy will require them to absorb other people’s emotions. It will not. Empathy is connection, not collapse. You tune in, but you stay grounded.
The Real Point
When a leader says, “I don’t understand why that conversation went poorly,” the answer is often simple: the other person was navigating an internal landscape the leader never saw. Empathy gives you access to that landscape. Not perfect access, not unlimited access, but enough to lead without unintentionally creating friction.
Empathy is steady, quiet work rather than something grand or glamorous. It is also one of the few leadership skills whose effects compound over time, building trust, reducing unnecessary tension, and helping people bring their best thinking forward.
If you try anything this week, try the sixty-second scan. It may feel small, but small shifts in perspective often prevent large problems later. And more than that, they allow you to lead people rather than simply instruct them.
About the Author
Thom Fox is a Principal Leadership Solutions Consultant with more than 25 years of experience helping leaders grow through the choices, conversations, and actions that shape their teams. He’s worked with executives across tech, healthcare, and professional services, with projects recognized by the Brandon Hall Group for Excellence.
Are You Ready To Shape A Better Future Together?
Partner with AIIR to empower your leaders and ascend into the future.